Takkanat Erusin: An Inclusive Betrothal Ritual

conceived and written by Rabbi Nikki DeBlosi, PhD

The traditional blessing for erusin, betrothal, invokes the exclusionary history of Jewish marriage, with roots in the acquisition of exclusive sexual access to a woman, and with bars against male-male sexual relationships. While this history might not be front of mind for some folks getting married under a chuppah, for others, those exclusions have caused religious trauma, confusion, anger, and a range of other emotions. This ritual allows folks of any identity to acknowledge the exclusions of the past and to celebrate the inclusive approach of liberal movements of Judaism to expanding the ways in which we recognize and celebrate familial, romantic, and sexual relationships. The ritual is based on the custom of removing a drop of wine from our glass at Passover in recognition of the suffering of the Egyptians during each of the ten plagues. Please be sensitive to the differing experiences of queer folks and allies in offering this ritual and wording. Some folks find the acknowledgement of exclusion too painful to include on their wedding day; others wish to make a political and educational statement. Never force this ritual on celebrants.

For queer / out folks:

It was not so very long ago that this day would have been unimaginable: for two queer folks to stand under a chuppah to be married in the eyes of the State and with the blessing of the Jewish tradition. [Rabbi can of course personalize] And, indeed, in some places (in the world, in our country, in our synagogues and churches, in our own families), such a day remains unimaginable. 

What a miracle that these two people found one another,
and found on this planet, in this vast universe, enough space to imagine a future together, and to commit to it--body, mind, and spirit--in marriage. And so, with gratitude for the privilege and the right to be their full selves, [Names] will drink from the first cup of wine--but, before they do so, they will each take a drop from the glass.

Just as we do on Passover, taking a drop from our own enjoyment in acknowledgement of the plagues visited upon the Egyptians, [Names] take a drop from their cup, in acknowledgement of all those whose suffering and struggle have made their marriage possible.

May their union transform hearts and minds, and may their cup of blessing overflow.

(Each celebrant takes a drop of wine from the glass before the recitation of any version of birkat erusin selected)

For allies / folks who are not out
As we bless the first of two cups of wine, [Names] enact their shared values by adapting the traditional Jewish betrothal ritual.

Like all traditions, Jewish tradition is rich with values and meaning--along with complicated, and sometimes troubling, exclusions. The blessing of betrothal historically declared precisely what kinds of relationships were deemed worthy of honor, acknowledgement, and celebration.

In alliance with their progressive and inclusive values, before reciting a blessing for their betrothal and drinking from the kiddush cup[s], [Names] will each remove a drop from the cup. 

Just as Jewish people do on Passover, taking a drop from our own enjoyment in acknowledgement of the plagues visited upon the Egyptians, [Names] take a drop from their cup in acknowledgement of the ways in which both Jewish and civil marriage have excluded others.

For, it is only in recent years that the privileges of marriage were extended beyond straight couples, and that marriages between people of different heritages were welcomed in our nation, in our states, in our religious communities, and in our families.

In gratitude for the ways in which their joy remains undiminished by the joys of others, and in acknowledgement of the privilege they enjoy, they each remove a drop of sweetness from their glass, making the sweetness that remains
all the more precious.

(Each celebrant takes a drop of wine from the glass before the recitation of any version of birkat erusin selected)

(This ritual was written in 2017 for the wedding of EM & KV. Please use with attribution to Rabbi Nikki DeBlosi.)